When Nobody Wants Me

Today, in the bus, a couple of girls - best friends - were fighting. According to Liz, it was... them fighting because one was kind of "abandoning" the other for her boyfriend.

Abandonee was sobbing in the bus and was cursing and talking on the phone really loudly so that the whole world knows the problem.

-___-"

Later, abandonee texted abandoner and said... "I don't need you anyway..."

I watched CSI:NY and this lady who found out that her husband had an affair stabbed him 17 times.

-___-"

I don't know if I should laugh or cry when I realized that I think having nobody want you is normal.

I thought, "Why kill someone? Why cry? Why get upset?"

If nobody wants me, I want me. Like excuse me, I have a God who gave up His flesh and blood FOR me. God wants me.

Of course, sometimes I feel like crap. I go, "What's wrong with me that nobody wants me?" It's 10 seconds. And then I snap myself out of it knowing that I can live without anybody else wanting me. And that I only want somebody worthy of me to want me.

I am a person who would do anything and everything I can for everybody who tries with me. I won't change myself, but I'd do anything for your own good. I won't give up my dreams, but I'd do anything for your own good.

So if anybody doesn't want me, it's their lost. I don't cry or get angry over others' spilled milk.

To end this post, I grace you with something I've been listening to.

Gary Cao does a good rendition, but more importantly, awesome lyrics.

I'm that superwoman. So are some of the people you didn't want, they're superwo/men. And one day, somebody somewhere will regret that they didn't try to keep us. :)

About Time

That I put those Christmas pictures up.

I actually have a video too, on our tree. Haha. It was for people who wanted to hear my voice after all these time. But erm, what's the point really? Let's see if I feel like putting it up these few days. -___-" Deary me, I'm too lazy for my own good this holidays.

Look! All for less than 10 bucks. With the lights and ornaments and balls and our blinking snowflake. It changes from one color to another. :D This is kinda where the video comes in - it shows you the cute snowflake.

We made food. Kinda. We bought that whole chicken from Albertson's; we made those mash potatoes with turkey bacon and cheese; boiled up those beans, tossed them with fried garlic and seasoned with garlic salt/pepper; and our friends brought cupcakes and drinks.

Hehe. Those cupcakes have Disney princesses rings on top. Actually, I think they're Disney fairies. Like the Tinkerbell kinds. :P

We had a tight-knit gathering. Not so much drama and all. Note the festive colors.

Cupcakes is yum. I'm starting to try to lose weight again. :) Because I'm saving myself for where the real food is.

And just to kind of show you what school and work does to me...

It prevents me from cooking awesome food. Lol. I can cook but I can't when I have no time. I have been eating semi-instant and semi-crappy food all semester long. Now that I have some time because of the holidays, I cook more.

This is penne pasta with shaved chicken and potato in my homemade white sauce. I'm still trying to perfect it. This is kinda a healthy version because I used so little cream/milk in it. Liz says it's a little bit too salty but that can be easily fixed.

And we have Chinese food too. In Hokkien we call this "aw bak," as in black meat/pork. I've made this about 3 times and it is so darn close to the one my aunt makes but there's a subtle taste that is different. I've been trying to pinpoint what it is and for now, I'm thinking that the soy sauce is just different out here. :(

I'm going to make it one more time... try to reduce the amount of soy sauce. If it still tastes different, I will go home and make it with the same methods and see if it really is the ingredients. I love this dish when my aunt makes it but omg, it takes me about 2 hours in total to make it. Which I didn't have before. Now I do. :D

Anyway... yes, we eat on boxes. ^.^V And don't worry, my diet does consist of more vege and fruits than what you see above. I am just rabbit like that - munching on raw lettuce when watching TV. I learned that from Lizzie.

And I also think it's about time my heart stops being stupid. -___-"

And I also think it's about time I go to sleep now.

Like A Bitch

And I do really mean the dog kind of bitch...

I'm feeling oddly territorial over something that's not even mine... and that's never going to be mine.

This is bull. I need to stop! T____T

Oh ya. Late but.. Hope you guys had a happy Christmas!

I See You

AVATAR! A must-watch. I think I will watch it one more time in the theaters.

That's me an Liz in our 3D glasses. IMAX yo!! Mo paid for me as my birthday present; but even if I paid for myself, it would be totally worth the 4 bucks extra. If you watch, do the IMAX!

And while I am blogging, I just have to say... I am totally emo now because of the whole ordeal with Super Junior suing their entertainment company thing. I tried reading body languages and do research and the whole majigy, but really, all I have are my speculations.

No doubt they're professional speculations (yea, coz I am kinda officially a PR specialist with my degree), but still only speculations.

I have learned to trust my gut feeling more over the past few months and this one strongly, strongly tells me that something really fishy is going on. I want to go into the whole why-I-think-it's-a-publicity thing and list reasons (valid ones which I have)...

But I don't want to have other fans stumble upon this blog and then through their mouths, I will be a rumor spreader even though I specifically said "speculations."

Bah. I hate being affected by these kinds of things. My head knows that I'm way saner than this. Apparently the emotions part stuck.

It's been a long time since I felt upset over something trivial like this.

I guess I'll ignore it for now.

'Tis true that I should've never started following K-pop.

Somebody Died On My Birthday

Brittany Murphy. Cardiac arrest.

And then Hankyung of Super Junior allegedly filed a lawsuit against SM Entertainment on this fateful day. O.O I say "allegedly" because I think it's all a publicity stunt.

Then again, only my speculation because... I seriously cannot believe he's THAT selfish. But when greed kicks in, it's also completely possible. This is kinda putting me on edge! -____-"

My birthday is like curse day. Haha. Oh well... anyway, here are pictures. We had awesome fun!

THE EVE

Me: Omg, you guys are doing something to me! I don't want, I don't want...
Liz: What are you talking about!?

They had me blindfolded before they brought out...

Me: Oh bbbbiiirrrttthhhhdddaaayyy ccaakkkkeeeee....!!

Lol. Chocolate brownie ice-cream cake from Baskin Robbins. :D

THE NIGHT OF

Me: Oh, I know why it's like that. It's "The Standard" - upside down, because it's not really standard.
Cathy & Liz: Err.. yeah. -______-"

We stayed a night at this hotel. Totally cool...

Me: We're going to post-game!

Yeah. That didn't happen... As soon as we got to the room, we hit the pillows. Hard.

Me: Eh, why you taking picture of me getting ready!!?? So unglam...
Liz: What!? It's cute...

Liz: Oooohhh... that's kinky!

Haha. They had a see-through bathroom where erm, one partner can watch the other shower. -___- No, we didn't use the showers.

Cathy: Do you have a different pair [of shoes]?

That was four and a half inches and I did not feel a thing the entire night. Oh, that's Cathy by the way (the one in blue). I think I mentioned her before in some post; she's my closest friend in college.

Me: We all look so cute. :)
Liz: I cannot bend down tonight, that would be a problem.
Me: We have the shortest dresses among the four of us.

Me: This place [Lola's] is so nice!! I'm happy now.

I was skeptical about the location because I have never been there and no friends have ever been there before but it turned out well!

Jessica: Can you please help take a picture?

Cathy: Let's do the Asian pose, the Asian pose... ^.^V

Me: I'll start off with the good old Appletini.
Waitress: Alright. Can I see IDs please?
Me: Oh, you're going to love checking my ID. I turn 21 today! :D

Me: Cathy, I'll take your drink. Order an Appletini for yourself.

Cathy didn't really like her watermelon drink so I didn't want her to not enjoy it since she could only have one as she's driving. So I told her I'd gulp hers down and she should order an Appletini for herself. I.... don't remember how it tastes like!

Me: I'm not drunk.... but I'm getting very tipsy!

Me: Do a cute, goofy one!

Liz: Can you please take of the four of us?

Liz: Mo, you're all red! Are you drunk?

Liz: Kelly, you remember Betty from New York!?
Me: OOOOOHHHH... I thought you looked familiar but I couldn't remember where I'd seen you.

Felt so bad that I didn't recognize Betty (girl beside me) at first. The other two is Patrick and Vivian.

Christian: Greeks usually have big booties.

That was what Cathy said Christian said to her when she told him she's Greek. Dude, inappropriate much?

Me: *sayang*

Cathy: Do you know these people?

Mo, as usual, brought his throng of friends without checking with the host. Lol. Not that I minded that much but...

Liz: Mo, you got drunk with one Appletini. You're such a sissy.

Jessica: So ladies, because of the noise complaint, I'm going to take $50 off your tab.

I was announcing that I was 21 to every single person that I met in the bathrooms. LOL. She (girl on left, Jessica 2) was one of my victims and she was drunk too.

We told her that we were so disappointed because we couldn't see the rooftop after somebody there told us we could. She worked as a receptionist at The Standard and told us to go look for her in the morning so she can work something out for us.

Cathy: Kelly's underwear says "Call Me."

Haha. That is true.

Me: I'm ssooo hhaaappppyyy!!!!!

Cathy: We'll go to the Library Bar next.

One of the only places open on Sundays really. -____-" So unfortunate. We wanted to go other places but it was either, closed for event or closed on Sundays.

Cathy: Kelly looks like a slut. A classy slut.

:/ That comment came because Cathy didn't expect me to wear that. Well, I mean... she's only ever seen me in school clothes!

Me: Water please.

I was smart to keep myself hydrated all night long. What? I'm responsible okay!?

Cathy: She's 21 today. Buy her a drink!

Only worked with one guy who bartends at The Standard. He got me and Cathy tequila shots and he was freaking feeling me up. Grr...

Mo was leaving and he saw it so when I was giving him a hug, he said, "Kelly, I'm going to kiss you on the cheek to make it seem as if you're my girlfrend okay?" And then he was like, "Bye honey! *kiss*"

So sweet man!! The guy left after he saw that. For the first time in my life, a guy treats me right. It felt nice. Too bad, I don't like him that way and probably never will... And he's shorter too. Haha.

Me: Lizz!!! You have to try this.. is ggggoooooodddd...

Obviously, that sounded like me drunk!

Me: I don't like this picture, let's delete!

When Liz went to get a drink, Jessica and I were playing around with the camera trying to delete hedious pictures. Haha.

Me: I'm going to let my cute lacey bra show a bit because I can't completely hide it. So it'll seem as if I did it on purpose.

I'm not comfortable not wearing bras so I was stressing out about the kinds of bras that I can wear with the dress. I spent a good 15 minutes going through my bra stash to find the right one... to no avail. Even tried on Liz's and May Hon's. In the end, I saw a cute, suitable one at VS so I just got it.

Me: I need to go to the bathroom. [8 times]

The whole night. I went to the bathroom 6 times in Lola's, and then twice outside. Insane.

Me: Jessica, please help me take a picture with this tiara. Cathy's going to be upset if I don't use it.

Totally wasted and in my pajamas already. Apparently, I still care about other people's feelings when I'm drunk. Hehe.

Cathy bought me a tiara that says "Birthday Girl" so that I could get free drinks. But I left it in the hotel room and she thought I did it on purpose! I didn't! T_____T

THE MORNING AFTER

Me: Omg. I need eggs.

Breakfast - room service. We had eggs and pancakes. And they had all these cute stuff including those two mini bottles of Tobasco sauce.

Me: I'm going to go throw up.... again!

After breakfast that is. Trust me, it was bad. I told them, if this is how being pregnant is like (feeling nauseated all the time), I don't wanna be pregnant. OMG. The worst hangover ever and I'm still kind of feeling it now. I don't think I can think of alcohol for at least another 2 weeks.

Cathy: See... this is where we're supposed to be. Stupid employee party.

The rooftop bar with the awesome view that we were supposed to go to. We thought we could get in after 12, but we couldn't. They had it closed off - somebody gave me wrong information. :(

Cathy: Let's get one of the workers to take a picture of us all.

We finally did self-timer. Omg, we look so unglam here. But I woke up at 8 a.m. okay!! Totally not up for anything else but sleep.

Me: We'll come here again. Because I can now....!!

LOL. Yes we will. Maybe New Year's?

Cathy: This is the water bed that people usually have sex in.
Me: Yea, I read that it vibrates.

Wuish. Damn kinky. And damn wrong. It's so difficult to sit on that thing, let alone have sex. They took out the sheets so it was clean, if not we totally would not sit on it! Ewww..

Liz: Sibuk only lah Jessica!

Haha. This picture is so cute though. :D

So there. 41 pictures in total. Out of the 41, I'm drunk in about 20 something of them. You can't tell leh!? That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you hold your liquor. You feel real good and uninhibited, but you don't look like crap and you know what you're doing... kinda.

Oh my gosh. We were walking on the streets and I heard somebody speaking Korean. So happy, I just jumped in and spoke Korean with those people. Lol random!! And embarrassing, now that I think of it. :/

*sigh* I had ssssssooooo much fun and I hope my friends did too. Some of our plans fell apart but I said this once and I'll say it again: It's not where you take the shot, it's who you take the shot with.

21 babeh. :)

A Quarter Of A Lifetime

I sometimes wonder,
How long it took for You to conceive the idea of me;
And how long it took for You to carefully piece me together.

21 years ago, today, was the day You completed Your artwork,
Whether I am one of Your masterpieces, I don't know.

After a quarter of a lifetime, passing this milestone,
I have two things to say to You...

First, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry it took me 17 years to really know You.
I'm sorry for the countless doubtful moments.
I'm sorry for my anger and my resentments.
I'm sorry for getting lost in life that You got buried.

Second, thank You.
For all the joy; from family and friends.
For all the hardships that I'd faced.
For all the decisions - good or bad - that You've led me to make.
For life and growing up.

Many look at me and they carry judgments in their eyes;
That I don't live the Christian way.

But some do not understand,
That the faith in our hearts mattered more.

That Your silence was the only comfort for me,
When I was scared, when I cried myself to sleep.
That Your unseen smile made me beam,
When I achieved something great.

It is my heart that You have sealed,
So that only You will understand.
And nobody knows that.

But I don't care.
You are the one who has seen all of me;
Broken or whole, dead or alive.

But most importantly,
I don't live for anyone else.
I don't live for people to say good things about me.
I live only for You.

21 years and counting.. Work with me. :)

My Tears Silently Fell

When it hit me that, at 21, nobody wanted me. Wth. -___-"

Haha. Giler emo after a few drinks at a bar. There's this whole mumbo jumbo explanation behind this craziness and I'm just not going to go into it 9 hours before my birthday.

So as usual, plans fall apart. Mine does anyway, like I'm so used to it and I'm just sitting there expecting it to happen. The Rooftop Bar, the one with the pretty view, my first choice -- apparently is booked from 7 p.m. till midnight for a private event. T____T

So I quickly changed plans and figured out a new place. Which is not bad I guess - I've been to that place and it's so close to the hotel I had no idea. Hole in a wall with a New York feel to it. So... And there's really good Mochi ice cream nearby because it's at Little Tokyo.

We're still planning to go up to the rooftop thing after midnight though. Because the view is a must-see. *sigh*

Welcome to my life folks. Not even a little leeway on my birthday. -__-

On the up side, I have a reason to not drink too much in Far Bar. Because I have a different place to go after. And I suspect that I'm going to be walking in my 4-inch. :D

Going to babysit Madeline again later. Woot.

Really wish I can go to Disneyland. Still.

I Got Shot

*GASP*

Aiya, don't worry. It's... the H1N1 shot. You know how I'm so into yellow journalism with my titles. Always drama drama wan. LOL.

Pullitzer taught me well. Haha.

Anyway, my school gave out free shots so HEY, go injection. Why not right!?

Yeah, now my arm hurts, I'm super drowsy and I have a bad headache. -____-" But that's just how I react to shots lah. No big deal. My only problem is, I have to study for my CA government. :(

Been a busy two hours at work. Finally feel valid again... :)

And omg. Christmas gifts are inevitable lah I think. I've been receiving way too many of them. I feel bad loh! How!? Bo liu leh. :/

Bah. Study. Last day tomorrow. YES!

I want to go to Disneyland though. T___T

Pointless Quotes?

As you probably can tell by now, I blog to de-stress. I have two chapters to go over for my comm law and I will definitely make it in time sooo..... Now, my political science paper on Thursday will be a whole other story. *shrugs*

Anyway, I came across these awful, sappy videos on YouTube about love. *rolls eyes* They have all these quotes in there and I wonder if they're applicable.

I wouldn't say that I've been in love before. Sure I said I found the love of my life in high school but in retrospect, I think I meant that I found the rightest guy for me that I was actually attracted to. But not necessarily a person who thought I was the rightest for him. Obviously, this phenomenon cannot be called love. Geddit?

So here. Knock yourselves out...

You're the kind of guy who could slit my throat, and with my last breath, I'd apologize for getting blood on your shirt.

If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they're supposed to be there.

The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and knowing that you can never have them.

I want to fall for you, but I'm not sure that you'll catch me.

You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel.

I don't have to be your first love, but I do want to be your last.

I keep telling myself that I don't miss you, and that I don't love you, hoping someday I'll believe it.

What is hard in being alone is not sadness or fear, but it's the fact that even with the billions of people in the world, no one dared to be with you.

I used to buy these stuff you know. And I hear the sad music and I tear up or just bawl. I... don't think I like how I've become so much more cynical when it comes to love. But cynicism has protected my heart well. Protecting it from being trampled by people who are not supposed to mean anything to me.

Honest to God, I don't blame or resent any of them. Because nobody asked me to lay my heart out there. Granted, I didn't know I was doing that then; but I guess that was the whole mushy, idealistic, believe-in-true-love shebang I was in. And in their defense, some of them were even trying to protect me and others had to guard themselves.

Sooo... can these quotes come to mean something real? I don't know. Your take?

This Is It

Closing one chapter and moving on to the next.

It has a folder of its own. In that folder - a total of 779 emails.

Six girls, well five actually (one drifted away), in contact every single day for 4 months.

I will never forget this friendship, this bond, this memory.. but most importantly, this blessing.

We will meet again one day. But for now, we say our goodbyes. And it's harder than I thought it would be. :')

PR Management, despite all the trials and tribulations... you gave me my best semester in college; my first steps into the industry.

And now, I can move on to the real world with the best foundation one can ever have ... :D